Vacations and Thoughts
I’m currently writing from an Internet café down on the main street of Montañitas, Ecuador. I came here on vacation to surf, mostly, but also the food and relaxation. Not that I was stressed or anything since I got laid off (by mutual agreement) at the end of April. I figured out, that after almost 3 years, I had to take advantage that my boss wanted to relocate me inside the company… so I told him no and agreed to get 80% of the severance pay. Now I can re-take my real carreer, which is working in IT sales or IT marketing. I just can’t beleive I held on for so long in my previous job. Talk about the definition of comfort zone (you can read more about my previous job in the last blog post).
So now I’m on vacation; but it’s not like I quit my job and went on vacation… this was planned in March, while I was still working. I figured I needed a break from my boring life and that it wouldn’t be wise to waste the flight ticket.
I’ve been thinking a lot while here, mainly because I brought my Kindle with some fresh loaded books and also my own Diary of a Bipolar in it. I gave a shot to Hemingway’s The Old Man and The Sea but it ended up boring me. Halfway through it the only thing that had happened is that (spoiler alert) he was fishing and he is fighting to death to catch a (probably) huge fish that took the bait. Yes, like 50 pages of that. So the thing is that I started to read my own book after that. It was emotional to me and kind of shoking, together with a strange mix of feelings upon realizing more clearly where I stand now.
Diary of a Bipolar covers my life and my experiences as a patient from 2001 until 2009. The main thoughts and realizations while reading it were that shockingly for me I’ve somehow lost my sparkling personality. It’s not that now I’m more mature (which I think I am)… but rather I’ve become kind or boring and more of a recluse in my own head. I’ve grown bitter and unhappy. The bright side is that I no longer have the severe episodes I experienced while writing the diary, which were extreme, to say the least. I really loved and missed the old me when I was OK. I would go out and talk to the most beautiful girls without knowing them and such things. I laughed and I smiled (something I don’t do anymore and when I do it’s fake).
Also, the female companionship, or the lack thereof. I guess because I’ve become more like an introvert and I’m less fun to be around, because physically I’m kind of equivalent as before, meaning that I might not be as fit as I was before but I’m still better that 99% of guys my age (I’m 42 now). My face looks the same, pretty much. Everyone tells me that. So yes, I feel really lonely and alone, especially on the partner issue. It amazed me how while reading my own book I realized that before, even with the strong depression episodes, I would be going out with girls and be pretty much dating permanently. Now I can say that my last relationship was a little over a year ago.
Well, enough of my complaints. I just wanted to be clear because saince you’re reading it it’s most probable that you read Diary of a Bipolar and somehow you’re interested in what happened after it. So on the bright side, which is hard for me to see, I no longer have extreme episodes of depression, but I still do get some milder ones. Also, I finally quit the job that was killing me. Somehow being unemployed feels good now. With the severance money I can look for a good job for some 9 months until the money runs out. I’m moderately confident that I will. Also I’m on vacation enjoying good weather in a tropical beach, although I can’t say the same for the waves, which were good only for a day. But they were very good!
Well, that’s all for now. I just want to share with you what’s going on with my life.
Feel free to drop some comments!
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Tags: bipolar, depression, job, relationships, surfing, vacations