I’ve been away for a while… in hell. I had a severe episode of depression that lasted about 4 days (the deep phase) and it was as strong as they come. A dark cloud of depression just started getting into me for no apparent or special reason.
My family and doctor tried to get me to a hospital – and I refused persistently – and they got together and started calling me and visiting me everyday and stuff (I live on my own). I guess this one really scared them, just like it did with me.
I am not sure if I came out of it already (it started August 29) but today I can write and feel that typing actually means something.
I had been off meds for 3 months but this past Monday my psychiatrist and I agreed that I should take my pills again. You might imagine how it felt because I struggled for 6 years to come to a point where I felt I no longer needed them (and it did work for the last 3 months) and now I’m back in the psychological hole that is felt when you are ‘on something’. Well I don’t discard taking the same path again in my fight to beat this thing… even if it’s a dream I’m following. What sucks mostly is that even while on drugs (all those years) I was never stable, so stopping taking them was actually an experiment my psychiatrist agreed upon. Feeling that one is ‘clean’ is motivating by itself.
So I don’t know what lies ahead because another of the reasons for stopping taking meds was that we pretty much tried every other mood stabilizer but Lithium and the fact of the matter is that I’m even against trying it. Call me stubborn or whatever but I’m not going with it. I want the fantasy that I have a normal life at least… a lot is involved when committing to that particular drug.
I’ve also felt that I didn’t take enough security measures to assure the stability I had for 3 months. After all I was just taking a mix of Bach Flowers and that was pretty much it. I know I should have induced myself relaxations on a daily basis plus gym (at 6am) and some Yoga and maybe a proper diet with Omega-3 pills but thing is I didn’t.
These past days have been terrible at work, happily we have independent bathrooms so I just locked myself in sometimes and put on my earphones and played my 10-minute deep-relaxation mp3. It was a life saver lowering the situation from unbearable to acceptable.
That’s it for now; I will try not to write too much about me in the future but I felt like sharing this.
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