So who am I? My name is George, a 35 year-old single male. I work as an engineer in a major corporation in my native country in South America. You may wonder how I got a steady job of this type and, well, so do I. But most importantly is how I’ve managed to keep it for 3 years now. Feeling one thing on the inside and expressing something else on the outside is one thing that I have come to manage but only to a certain point, there are just some days when keeping up this charade becomes impossible. My carreer story definitely deserves a series of posts apart from this.
I am one of those persons who suffers from severe depression (I have different diagnosis depending on different psychiatrists… dystimia, cyclothimia, unipolar, bipolar, you name the flavor) and tries to hide it and cope with it within a large city. So far I have managed but the road has been extremely difficult to say the least… I haven’t really been stable for more than one month and nowadays stability doesn’t exist for more than a single afternoon. I have become used to deal with the concept of death dancing around my mind. It is hard to put these things on words.
I have seen several psychologists and psychiatrists since all this started 6 years ago (I had absolutely nothing until age 29… or so I think) and have gotten no clear results… ever. I’ve tried many combinations of drugs and psychological therapies. I would say that over these years I must have seen at least 10 psychologists and 10 other psychiatrists and been on at least 10 different types of med combinations. I have seen the impotence imprinted on my doctors’ and relative’s faces but I am absolutely sure that it cannot measure up to what I feel deep inside myself .
I’ve been close to death several times. Sometimes something random – like straight from heaven – would come up and prevent me from doing the worse and some other times I have managed to calm my soul and mind by inducing self relaxation.
I have tried just about everyhting reasonable for a western guy… and then some. I have seeked help in Christian religion, regular physical excercise, Yoga, Tantra, meditation, self-relaxation, past-life regressions, TFT (thought field therapy), ayurvedic medicine, chinese medicine, strange diets, many variations of Tarot, Bach Flowers, Homeopathy, aboriginal herbs and a fair share of spiritual masters who have all claimed to know what’s going on with me (and they all have different theories)… you name it: I’ve probably done it. As I sometimes say when I have some sense of humor “the only things I haven’t done are things like leaving everyone and everything behind and just heading up to the Himalayas” and who knows… maybe someday I will.
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